your first instinct may be to run…or roast marshmallows

14 10 2009
Do not panic.

Do not panic.

 

Zombies, UFOs, and Godzilla – The Survival Guide

 Be prepared. Be informed. Be ready for the inevitable…

 

Survival Guide Tip #1 – How to survive a zombie attack

Step 1Know your zombies. Find out their hideouts and tell-tale signs of zombie symptoms. Since zombie-ism is spread like a disease, the best way to avoid becoming a zombie is to avoid the zombies who spread the disease. This may seem obvious, but you must be prepared to take drastic measures to distance yourself from known zombie infested areas as quickly as possible.

 Step 2Dress light and get good running shoes. Although you may feel compelled to protect yourself from zombie bites, just remember that you can most likely out run zombies. Zombies top speed is between 2-2.5 miles per hour, so run, drive, even scooter away to escape. Using difficult running patterns can also be helpful, since zombies can be easily thrown off path by road blocks in their way.  

 Step 3Get a gun and A LOT of ammunition. To kill a zombie, you must know how to destroy their brain. The recommended weapon is a gun that you can easily handle. Remember that their brain is smaller than a humans so unless you are a skilled marksman, bring enough ammo to take as many shots as you need. Don’t bother with large, bulky weaponry since it will only slow you down.

 Step 4Trust no one. You never know, they could be on the verge of zombie-ism right now.

 

Survival Guide Tip #2 – How to survive a UFO abduction

 Step 1Remain calm and survey your surroundings. In the event of abduction, your first priority is to evaluate the situation and what sort of environment you are dealing with. Look around and make a mental list of important factors.

 Step 2Look for a way to escape. Evaluate escape options and look for exits. Determine if there is gravity and if you have left Earth or not yet. Keep track of time and look for patterns to help you create an escape plan.

 Step 3Fight. If you are still on Earth, attack your captors and escape as quickly as possible. Survey your surroundings and use any objects that can do harm to your alien captor. You may already have objects on you, such as your keys, mace, leftover sandwich…whatever you can get your hands on.       

 Step 4Clear your mind. If you cannot escape right away, make sure that your captor aliens cannot acquire any useful information from your mind. Think of mental pictures that remind you of Earth. If that fails, just think of cute puppies or lol cats to throw them off.  

 Step 5Keep a survival attitude. Daydream, think of Earth and your friends and family. Stay mentally active. You need to have your wits about you so that you can come up with a convincing story once you arrive back on Earth.

 

Survival Guide Tip #3 – How to survive when Godzilla attacks

 Step 1Plan your escape routes. Determine the best routes to escape your city in the event of an attack. Remember that there will be mass panic, so avoid major roadways. Map out several routes, since you will not know where the attacks will originate. Do not take trains or large moving vehicles, which are preferred Godzilla “grab” objects.

 Step 2Find a hideout underground. Stay away from the roads, buildings and definitely don’t go up in the air. Stay low and hidden in a place away from the destruction path. Basements or bomb shelters are recommended.

 Step 3Call in the troops. The only way to take down Godzilla is with heavy artillery.

 Step 4Relax and watch. Generally, Godzilla will eventually end up battling another large creature. Keep your distance, break out the concessions, and watch the large scale martial arts unfold.

 

Enjoy.

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One response

14 10 2009
Brandon G.

You left out the thought screen helmet:

http://www.stopabductions.com/

Good for stopping aliens from reading your thoughts. Also, remember that you can always use Vitamin C to kill implanted alien-hybrid embryos!

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